The key to change...is to let go of fear."

well..im trying at least.

life is changing all the time...

Its been so long since I've really written and so much has happened.
Trent and I had our other wedding. It was truly beautiful.
The girls are almost 8 months old now. Watching them crawl brings happiness to me.

I miss home a lot. Some days are worse than others.
I don't like leaving the people I love the most.
You know who you are.


Life has its ups and downs right now.
But sometimes i really wish i could stay in the past while moving into my future.
I feel so young in my heart yet at the same time, so old and not ready to grow up.
But life moves so fast, sometimes it really just gets me.
It doesn't stop for anyone.

Life never does slow down and that's why it's so important to live in every opportunity.
Ive made a LOT of mistakes and sometimes wish I had made different choices but I know that everything happens for a reason.
take every chance. be who you are and love with all your heart.
Don't waste a second...

Im learning to let go of what I can't control.
Not my strongest at this.
I know the Lord will bless me and give me the patience I need.

Well, I'm rambling.

Don't worry..about a thing.
..every little thing..
.gonna be alright.

our wedding

Trent and I had our wedding on the 21st! It was beautiful and I loved every minute of it. However the week leading up to it was not so great...

Trent had to go out to the field at the beginning of the week so I decided to go home and spend time with my mom and let her see the girls. She had a accident that saturday and fell into the wall and shattered a picture with her face and she got 2 black eyes and a bruised up nose and she broke her foot tripping over the dog toy. So...she looked nice for the wedding :) haha. (actually by then she didnt look to bad) Trent left the field on Thur and wanted me to drive back to texas to get him. I couldnt cause I had things to do for the wedding. I suggested the bus but he wouldnt get off work in time to make it so I was so worried he was going to miss the wedding. Trent's mom found him a flight for about $300 that would get him home that night. It was a lot of money but we didnt have a choice so we did it. I went to pick him up at 11 30 that night and then the stupid airline lost our luggage which had my veil and toasting flutes in it. I was SO mad. They insured us however, that our luggage was in Dallas and it would be delivered the next day and it was so that turned out okay. I was glad to spend time with Trent. 4 days wasnt a lot but I missed him. I had a few things left to do but got everything taken care of. The day of the wedding, Teresa and I went to get our hair done and it didnt take long at all. I ended up messing up my hair on my dads viewfinder and had to re fix it. haha then we went to schnucks and got the rest of the corsages. We went home and got our stuff and headed downtown. Jon, our photographer showed up and took pictures of Trent and I before the ceremony . It was awesome! I felt like a princess. :) The rest of the bridal party showed up and before I knew it the ceremony started. It was awesome and turned out beautiful. Andrew Langi was there and I hadnt seen him in years so that was great. Everyone was so taken with him. haha. The cake was awesome and the food was great too. We all had such a good time. I was so tired by the end of the night. Trents family came over and brought us pizza but didnt stay long cause we were all tired. All in all, Trent and I had a great time and are so grateful for everyones love and support!

update

I really need to be better about keeping up with this. It's been awhile. Only 2 more weeks til the wedding! I'm super excited! Finally all this stress of planning is coming to an end. But then once it's over what am I gonna do with all this extra time?? haha. So lets see....Not that much has been going on. All the planning for the wedding is over with and i'm pretty much ready to go. Last week we all went to Sears and had family photos taken. That was fun. The girls did pretty well for their first time. I was pleased with the pictures. By the end of it, the girls were cranky and tired and ended up falling asleep. We finally got reimbursed for all the money theyve been taking out of Trent's paycheck so that was great. We needed money for new tires but couldn't afford it so it was a blessing we got paid that much . Jenny and I started talking again so that's good. :) I missed talking to her. Trent got me sick a few days ago and we ended up giving it to the girls. Poor girls. I feel so bad. We havn't gotten any sleep for the past couple days cause they wake up so much. I'm so exhausted . I'm so over this cold. But at least it's before the wedding and not during. That would be horrible! Heading back to st louis soon! I can't wait to see everyone! Well that's about it for now.

St Louis- 11 days
Wedding- 13 days!
My birthday- 22 days!

not a good day

Today is NOT a good day. Trent and I are so broke its ridiculous. We have NO money. Our paychecks are only 1200 a month and then rent is 650 of that and we have so many bills and somehow have to eat. We usually have less than 50 dollars to live on after everything is paid and bought. How the heck are we supposed to survive as a famil.y of 4 with $600 to live on every month. I am just so unhappy. To top it off I found out my mom is not doing well. I'm praying everything will be okay with her. I need my mom to be around for awhile. I just need a break...

Trent's Birthday

Today is Trent's 20th Birthday!! He's not too excited just cause he doesn't care much about birthdays...(hmmm sounds like my dad) but I'm excited for him. lol he's not a teenager anymore. Ha, were finally the same age.. but I turn 21 in a month and a half. It sucks we can't do anything but I am making him a nice dinner. :)

I LOVE YOU BABY!!

I am so profoundly grateful for the gospel of Jesus Christ, for a testimony of the Atonement of the Savior. I believe in it with all my heart, and i live for it, an di bear witness of it this day. Of all of the events of human history, none other approaches the Atonement of the Savior in its meaning and in its results. God be thanked for the gift of His precious Son, to whom we all owe thanks for his sacrafice in our behalf.

We are a great family bound together in a unity of love and faith. our blessing is great as a people and as individuals. We carry in our hearts a firm and unshakeable conviction of the dicine mission of the Lord Jesus Christ. He was the great Jehovah of the Old Testament, the Creator who, under the direction of His Father, made all things, and with out him was not anything made that was made. (John 1:3) He was the promised Messiah who came with healing in his wings. (Malachi 4:2) He was the worker of miracles the great healer, the Resurrection and the Life. His is the only name under heaven whereby we must be saved. He came as a gift of His Eternal Father.(John 3:16). He condescended to leave His throne on high and come to earth to be born in a stable, in a conquered nation. He walked the dusty roads of Palestine, healing the sick, teaching the doctrine and blessing all who would accept him. ..

On Calvary's hill he gave His life for each of us. That is the greatest gift that any of us can ever recieve. It is the gift of the resurrection and eternal life (D&C 14:7) We honor his Birth. But without His death that birth would have been but one more birth. It was the Redemption, which He worked out in the Garden of Gethsemane and upon the cross of Calvary which he made his gift immortal, universal, and everlasting. His was a great atonement for the sins of all mankind. He is the resurrection and the Life. "the firstfruits of them that slept" (1 corinthians 15:20). Because of him all men will be raised from the grave.

We love him. We honor him. We thank him. We worship him. He has done for each of us and afor all mankind that which none other could have done. god be thanked for the gift if His Beloved Son--our Savior. I think tonight of the great occasion when Paul describes his experiences on the road to Damascus. He saw a light from heaven and heard a voice speaking unto him. ANd he fell to the ground and said " Who art thou, Lord". And Jesus said, "Rise and stand upon thy feet: for I have appeared unto thee...to make thee a minister and a witness..To open their eyes and to turn them from darkness to light, and from the power of Satan unto God (Acts 26:15-16, 18) NOw i believe that same injunction given by the Lord to Paul applies to each of us, 'Rise' he sais, and stand upon your feet for i have appeared unto thee ...to make thee a minister and a witness. Each of us has a responsibility of standing as a witness of the everlasting truth of the gospel of Jesus Christ.

We live in a terribly complex time. We are confronted by very serious problems. SOme of us are faced with sickness, economic difficulties, with worry and concern over many matters. Our refuge, our peace, our well-being lie in walking in the way of the Lord. We live in a would of filth and immorality and trouble. Rise above it, stand taller, leave the world behind you, and walk as the Lord would have you walk. We have so much to offer. Other people do not understand the true nature of God. They are still bound by the old NIcene Creed of the fourth century, which i cannot understand. BUt we have a perfect knowledge of the nature of God that has come through the First Vision of the Prophet Joseph. He saw God. He heard him speak. He saw his son. The scripture says "This is life eternal, that they might know thee only true God. and Christ. whom thou has sent (John 17:3) That is a great and wonderful gift. We are his children. He does matter our nationality. It does not matter where we were born or whether our hair is light or dark. Each of us is a child of God. He is the great God of the universe, but he is also our Father, to whom we may go in prayer. Go out and preach the work. The first obligation laid upon this Church, even before it was organized, was the obligation to go out and teach the gospel. That has never been lifted, it has been with us ever since.

i AM A CHiLD OF GOD...

random

Life has been sort of discouraging lately...

I'm not happy here in Texas. It just sucks because Trent has friends and I don't. None of his friends are married. I don't go anywhere to meet anyone because we have no money and I can't leave the girls. I'm stuck in the house all the time. And even if I wanted to do something, theres absolutely nothing to do here! I would love to go back to St Louis with my mom but I don't want to leave Trent and take the girls away. It's not his fault I'm not happy here. I wasn't expecting it to be easy at all so I'm trying not to complain. Hopefully once the girls get older things wont be as bad.

I can't wait for the wedding to get here already. Then I can finally stop stressing over money and everything else. It's nuts! We are so freakin` poor right now and it's my fault cause of all the planning. We still owe over 1,000. Ugh, I don't know what were gonna do.

Anyways, girls are doing great! Getting so big! There SO close to rolling. All they do is talk and say their little baby babbles. It's so cute.But it's so loud haha and only gonna get louder!


I can't wait....

more planning

So since my last rant...

Mother's Day was awesome =] My first Mother's Day as a momma. I loved it. Trent woke me up in the morning for breakfast. He made me eggs and bacon and pancakes. =] I loved it. Then I got to open my present which I told him not to get me anything because we're very short on money right now from all the wedding planning...but he didn't listen and got me something anyway.lol so I'm not complaining cause I opened a little box with beautiful diamond earrings in it =D I love them! We drove to Austin later that day cause I wanted to go to Once Upon a Child to get some new clothes for the girls ( there not in Newborn anymore =]) It turned out to be a nice day for me...even though it rained lol. And of course I got to talk to my momma.

We got a kitten last weekend. She's 8 weeks old and mostly black with a white belly and feet. She's absoutley adorable! We named her Bella. She's quite the stinker but I guess that's to be expected of a kitten. She stays in the bathroom at night and I came in one morning and found her, not sleeping in her soft bed, but sleeping in the trashcan on top nasty tissues and baby diapers. lol wierd cat! =]

The wedding planning is still going pretty well. I've got most everything taken care of finally. I'm getting my cake from Sarah's cafe and bakery. It's a 3 tier round buttercream cake. I'm excited. Then after calling around I found my florist. I went with Belle Fleur. So i've got all my deposits down and I'm still making payments to the photographer. It's so hard because were only getting 1,100 dollars a paycheck and were supposed to get around 3,000 for the girls. So were being way underpaid and Trent says he's taken care of it but it's been a month and it's still not fixed yet. :/ So hopefully this next paycheck will be fixed otherwise Trent has to get someone to try to fix it again. I just don't understand how freakin` hard it is to do your job. I guess there are incompetent people even in the army.

Anyways, that's about it for now. Here's another pic of the poops. =]So cute!

venting.

I love being a mom, i really do. But at the end of the day, I'm freakin` tired. Despite my frustrations, I carry out my motherly tasks without complaining. Trent leaves for work at 5:30 in the morning and I'm on my own usually til around 5 at night. So for 12 hours I deal with the crying, the diaper changing, the feeding, the holding and putting them to sleep. Now I know there is no WAY Trent could do what I do and he fully acknowledges that. However, I get frustrated when I'm gone for about 2 hours, he's already texting me wanting to know when I'm coming home. I know he can handle it, but it seems like he doesn't want to try. I've asked him soooo many times to help me out and he does when I ask, but thats just it. I don't want to have to ask! Nor do I think I should have to . Now I'm not expecting him to pick up a baby as soon as he walks in the door but instead of plopping down on the couch to get online when one of his daughters is crying he could get up and go get her. But usually no, it's me that has to do it. I take care of the girls 100% of the time. His idea of "helping" is changing a few diapers and smiling at them. He knows but seems to not realize...i'm freakin` tired!! So when he comes home and I have to ask him to do something and he gives me that irritated sigh, I'm about ready to club him with a bat! I'm constantly under pressure and it's making me so irritable . (Not to mention I think because of all this I'm having problems with my intimacy. Being so tired and irritated all the time just makes any drive I had go away. ) I know he is a good dad and he loves them very much..I can see it in the way he looks at them and I know they love him. They recognize him and smile at him when he holds them. But sometimes he gets upset and sad when he's holding them and they cry and then he gives them to me and they stop. Well yeah, there gonna do that. I'm the one that's with them all day, their used to me. He needs to spend more time with them. blah okay anyway..I'm done ranting now. I love my husband so incredibly much and I realize he has hard days too.

So in addition to all that jazz...I'm also planning my wedding :) Sometimes I really do think I'm wonder woman. As stressful as it is, I'm super excited! Yes, techinally were already married but we didn't get to have the formal ceremony like I wanted. So this time, were doing it right lol . I've got most of it already done . Only a few more things to do. It's at Windows off Washington on Aug 21. :) I can't wait.

More pictures of my little poops :)

Fort Hood, Texas.

So things are kinda sorta starting to wind down. Trent's family came to pick me up on the 19th and we went to get the uhaul and it took forever. The people there didn't know what they were doing and it was really frustrating cause we had to get going and we had people coming to the house to help move my stuff and if we werent there I was gonna feel bad. So i had to call everyone and tell them not to come for another half hour. Kristy was so irriated. I'd say borderline mad. Ha ha. We finally got back home and started packing everything up. Mom watched the girls for me. It took about 2 hours and we were done by 12:30. So I said goodbye to mom and she didn't cry. I was surprised. Patty came to say goodbye too. I was sad but excited at the same time to be heading to Texas to be with Trent.

The car ride was long. Holy crap. And with 2 newborns it made it even longer. But all in all the girls were really good the whole day. They slept the whole time, only waking up to be fed. I guess the vibrations of the car kept them asleep. Which was nice cause i got to catch up on my sleep when Miranda and I werent playing games on her ipod. :) We stopped at Russell Stovers and got some chocolate and walked around to stretch our legs. Finally around 11 that night we stopped somewhere in Oklahoma and spent the night. I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.

We got up around 6:45 the next morning and ate breakfast and then headed out. We were on the road by 8 and drove til around 1:30. Finally we got there! I got out and gave Trent a big hug! I was so excited to see him! We started unpacking the uhaul and taking everything up to the apartment. Once everything was out we went out mattress shopping and then out to eat at Applebee's. I was so freaking hungry. So after we were done we came back home and then Trent and his dad went to go buy the mattress we picked out. It was a nice memory foam one. :) I was pleased. lol. Kristy and I started unpacking everything and pretty much had everything put away by the time they got home. THe next day we went shopping and got everything we needed for the aparment that we couldn't bring with us. ANd then we got grocery's as well. His parents probably spent a good thousand dollars on us. I felt so bad but so grateful for everything! We came back and went out to lunch at Casa Ole and then went out to shop for a car. I didn't think we were even going to get one anytime soon. I thought we were just looking to get an idea of what we wanted. But I ended up finding a Toyota 4 runner! It was red and a 2003. I loved it instantly. So yeah, his dad ended up buying it for us. HA! AWESOME! I was thrilled ! So after that, we came home and unpacked a bit more and his parents ended up leaving that night so it was our first night on our own and it went pretty well.

The girls are doing great. Trent is learning day by day what it takes to take care of them. I don't think he expected it to quite be as much of a challange as it is but he'll get there. :)

Anyways, we have a lot of things to get done today on base so that's all for now.

finally done packing. :)

My goodness life has been crazy lately. I've been working diligently to get everything packed up and ready to go. I feel like life is blowing right by me cause I'm always so busy i dont have time for anything. :( it's exhausting! I finally got everything packed today though. Sister Allen took the girls for a few hours for me while I got the rest the boxes taped up and ready for tomorrow. I got to see some of my family before I leave tomorrow too so that was nice. I know I havnt gotten to see everyone though and I'm worried some people are going to be mad at me for it. But I can't help it...I tried.

The girls are doing good. There starting to sleep a little longer now which I'm loving because I get to sleep longer. But like everyone, some nights are better than others. I guess it just depends how much I feed them. I tried experimenting with it and they do actually sleep longer so that works for me :)

I can't wait to get down to Texas! I'm so excited! This is all new for me and plus I miss Trent like crazy so that'll be great to have the family together again. :) I'm just not looking forward to the long drive and packing everything up. blahh but oh well. Trent got our apartment yesterday so I'm excited to see what it looks like too. I know it's a small apartment so it's not anything exciting but it is to me...it's my new home now. My mom on the other hand is really sad to see me go and I don't blame her at all. But it's just really hard on me cause she's guilt tripping me saying how im taking her grand kids away from her. I really don't have a choice and she knows that but it hurts me that she's not more supportive of me moving to be with my family. She doesn't want to be around me and doesn't know if she's gonna say goodbye to me tomorrow. If i know my mom i doubt she'll miss the chance to say goodbye to me but she's gonna cry her eyes out. I promised her i'll send pictures all the time and I'll be back again in June for my cousins wedding but she doesn't seem to believe me or says thats not good enough. Well, sorry that's the best I can do for right now. :/ I'm going to miss her too. She's my mom and I love her. I just really hope she'll be okay without me.

Anyways, I need to get going to go pick up the girls. So until next time....

Already a month old..

Can you believe it's already been a month since the twins were born? I can't. Geez. There getting so big already, and finally fitting into all their clothes. haha. There becoming a lot more vocal too...well, i call it vocal. It's more like little cooing noises and grunts but i think its adorable. They both, especially Alyssa, snort whenever they get excited or mad. It's so funny. they sound like little pigs. And Alyssa does this long one where she sounds like a horse. I love it! Shes getting to be quite the big girl. last doctors apt she was exactly 8 pounds. haha she has such a big belly and eats like theres no tomorrow. Savannah on the other hand is a bit smaller but she's been eating more lately so shes starting to catch up to her sister. She has a ways to go though haha. As of yesterday i started dressing them in newborn clothes instead of preemie onesies. They finally fit! I was thrilled. I have all these adorable outfits i recieved from my baby shower and now i can finally use them. :) There looking more and more like daddy everyday. It's so adorable but at the same time looking at them makes me miss daddy.

So Trent finally got his orders, I don't remember if i mentioned that or not. Were moving to Fort Hood, Texas. I've never been to Texas before, so this will be a new experience for me. I'm so excited to be getting out of Missouri finally and be with my own family. I miss Trent so much and it's so hard to be away from him and raising the girls. Granted my mom is here helping me but it's just not the same. I miss my husband. He's adjusting to being on a new base. I think he likes it for the most part but he has in-processing for the next few days and I know it's boring for him to sit through classroom lectures all day. That would get really tedious and annoying so i understand where his frustration comes from. Him and I both can't wait til he gets information about housing and everything so he can finally bring me and the girls out. I can't wait to get out there. I know he misses his girls as much as I miss him.

Well, that's really all that's going on right now. Alyssa is laying next to me snorting in frustration because she's hungry and I'm still blogging...so I guess that's my cue to go. Ttfn! :)

So this past week has been pretty chaotic. Trent quit Rangers because we were worried about me having post partum depression...which i think i might of had but since he quit and we've been talking about getting to be together again my spirit seems to have lifted a little bit and Trent feels like it was the right decision to quit. Of course I still feel guilty about it cause I know he quit because of me but he said he doubted he would of made it anyway. Now he's just waiting to get his orders and see where he gets sent and where our new home will be :) I can't wait to be back with him and be together as a family. I miss him so much.

In the mean time i've been packing up all my stuff and getting it ready to go. My room is a complete disaster and it's starting to annoy me cause i can't stand all the clutter and crap everywhere. But at the same time seeing all the boxes packed up and ready to go makes me feel better because i can see how much i've accomplished. :)

Trent got his orders today, were going to Fort Hood, Texas. I'm excited to start this new part of my life with my new family. I've never really been to Texas before so this will be pretty exciting for me. It's about 60 miles north of Austin. but at the same time, i'm kind of nervous to be going there because of the massacre that just happened there not too long ago. It's really stressful on me though trying to get everything together and ready to go all while taking care of the girls. Mom is a big help and watches them during the day while i pack and then sleep. The girls are only 3 weeks old and its making me really nervous having to travel across the country with them at such a young age. I wish Trent was here to help me with the moving and packing process but ah well what can ya do. I just can't wait to get down there and be with him.

The girls are continuing to grow by the minute. There so big. haha I mean that in the nicest way possible. There just becoming little chunkers. I still think they look so much like daddy. Im wondering if as they get bigger there going to start looking like me. Who knows. :)

Anyways thats about all i feel like typing for right now. Time to put the little ones to bed. Night all.

funny pictures...

haha really?



so i was bored and kinda blah so i decided to post funny pictures. I got a few laughs out of them. :) better day today. Jenny came over so it was nice to have human interaction besides my mom. Anyways, I'm exhausted and the girls are sleeping so i'm off to bed.

Stressed

so im in a horrible mood today.

It's probably a mix of things. I don't think I've ever been this sleep deprived in my life. Granted, i didn't expect anything different with twins but i seriously feel like I'm going to collapse. All the girls do is cry and I know their only 2 weeks old and i need to realize that's what newborns do but It's really discouraging when I can only calm them down for a short period of time and then they start fussing again. I feel like I'm doing something wrong. Idk. My husband is still away from me and I can't stand it. I feel so alone most the time and it's really hard being strong and not breaking down when I'm already so on edge from taking care of the girls and being so tired. I know it's not his fault and he can't help being away. He really loves being in the Army and i just want him to be happy so half the time i dont bother saying anything because I don't want to guilt trip him. I just miss him so much especially at night when the girls are both screaming and I want to cry and I don't have anyone to comfort me. He thinks I might have post partum depression. Idk if i do. I think i just need to adjust to being a mommy and suck it up.

Anyways, the girls had a doctors appointment today. The doctor just needed to make sure they weighed more than they did when they were born. They did. Alyssa is mommy's good eater. She was 6.3 at birth and now shes 7 lbs exactly. She eats so much! I can hardly pump enough to feed her let alone her sister. Savannah doesn't eat as much but she's still doing great. She weighed 5.10 at birth and now is 6.3. I'm just so happy their both doing well and gaining the appropriate amount. I was really worried because for some reason my body doesn't seem to be able to produce enough milk. Every feeding I can only make 2 ounces...which was fine at first but as their continuing to grow, I should be making more. Hopefully there is a pill or something I can get on to be able to make enough for them. Right now I'm having to give them a little bit of formula if I cant cover it. Hopefully things turn around cause i really don't want to start having to buy formula. Plus it's not as healthy anyway.

Blah anyways, the girls are sleeping and my mood is going down by the minute so I'm off to bed.

Life's been getting more real everyday. Sometimes i sill wish i was in the hospital so other people could help me take care of the girls. Reality has kicked in and i know i have to step it up a notch, which sometimes feels impossible because i'm already so sleep deprived. Blah...

The last few days have just kinda been a blur. I'm still getting adjusted to my new sleep schedule, which is no sleep at all, and being a new momma. its been so great having Trent home to help me with the twins. He's such a good dad, he loves his girls so much. :) Plus it's great to just have him here with me to snuggle up next to. :)

Yesterday was his last full day at home so we decided to get out and run some errands and go out to lunch. We went shopping and then stopped at O'Charley's for lunch. It was pretty good. Came home for a little bit then ended up going out to see When in Rome. I liked it but Trent thought it was stupid. lol Typical guy. ;)

Ugh the next few weeks are gonna be really stressful for Trent and I....well mostly for me. I'm going to be headed up to Michigan to live with his family pretty soon and i really am hesitant about going. My life is here and everything i know is here. I have nothing up there and i guess im just scared about being alone without MY family or Trent being with me. I know i'll get over it and go anyway but it's just really hard to up and leave on a short notice. Everything is new for me and im dealing with it the best way i can. I just have so much going on and so much that I have to get done, I wonder if i can even do it sometimes. blah.

Trent left today :( I woke up really sad this morning. We layed around the house with the girls til i had to take him to the airport. He's on his way back to Georgia now and i miss him already :(

Anyways, the girls are sleeping so im gonna try to catch up on my sleep. Later.

my new life....

So lets see...its been a real long time. Recap over the last several months...

Since last time, Trent and I still had our issues. I moved in with him over the summer and things were okay. I lived there til the beginning of July and then moved back home. Trent left for basic training in August. That was really hard to be without him. We wrote letters back and fourth and they werent always pleasant. Around the end of October he had a family day down in Fort Benning and i flew down there to see him for the weekend. It was strange because we werent really together and things were kinda different for us. Once i got there things seemed like they were back to normal and he told me how much he still loved me and wanted what was best for us. He proposed to me on Halloween night and I became the luckiest girl ever :D

In December, he graduated from basic training down in Georgia. His family paid to fly me out there and spend the weekend. It was great! I loved being there to see him graduate and support him in what he wanted to do. :)Over the Christmas holiday he got to come home for 3 weeks and it was nice to have him here to help me while i was so miserable being pregnant. He finally got to meet all of my family. We had Christmas at my aunt Cheryl's house. Everyone really liked him and that made me really happy. My cousins also engaged so the family all seems a little overwhelmed with us 2 getting married soon. Im so excited though!!! Trent and I are getting married on the 29th of this month! :D


Trent and I got married on the 29th of December!!! We got married at the Butler Hill stake center. His family came down from Michigan to be there for us. My mom and a whole bunch of people from my ward were there. It was nice to have people there that supported us. Bishop was reading our vows and it was really hard to look Trent in the eye because i would start crying. It was the best day of my life. I love my husband so much and I dont know what i'd do without him.
February 8th 2010- I BECAME A MOMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!! I had identical girls. :D Trent and I finally decided on names lol. Savannah Grace Bailey & Alyssa Rochelle Bailey. I had to have a C section because Alyssa was breech. I was so scared i was crying while they were giving me my epidural. My mom was holding my hand the whole time. They wheeled me into the OR and i remember seeing everyone around me and i started freaking out and shaking really bad. They put me on the table and waited for the drugs to kick in and i was so tired and out of it that i ended up falling asleep while they were operating on me. I woke up when I heard them pull out Savannah. Hearing her cry made me cry happy tears of joy and relief to know that she was out and all mine! They pulled out Alyssa about 30 seconds later. They cleaned them off and showed them to me and i cried harder. I was really sad though because Trent couldnt be home during the delivery but he got to come home shortly after they were born. Once they were done with my surgery they wheeled me to recovery for about an hour and Mom and Patty were there with the girls and i finally got to hold them. I was so shaky and tired that i could barely hold them. They took the girls to the nursery to be cleaned off and then I went up to my room. The next day Trent finally got there and I was so glad to see him! It def lifted my spirits cause i was so tired and just miserable from not sleeping. They brought the girls in so Trent could finally meet his little daughters. :) It was so sweet watching him look down at them and smile. I couldnt help but tear up a little bit lol. I stayed in the hospital til Friday to recover and then got to bring my little angels home with me finally :) I cant explain how happy and in love with my family i am. I couldnt ask for anything more. :)

Its funny how your life can change so much in a few months. I think since the last time i wrote my life went into a spiraling downfall. i made a lot of stupid decisions because i just wasn't happy at all with myself or how my life was going. It was a huge mistake that i have to live with everyday. i hurt people i really care about and most of all i hurt myself. things ended with trent and i and they ended badly. even though i know everything wasn't all my fault i still killed whatever was left. And it doesn't matter anyway because he'll never admit his hand in it. i had a few breakdowns along the way but i think each one helped me in someway. so many things happend between trent and i and it killed us both. he said horrible things to me and treated me so badly i never thought i would talk to him ever again. of course knowing my luck i had so bad things happen to me and he ended up coming to see me. seeing him again made me feel such strong emotions for him and they all came out when i started crying. he told me how he still loved me and cared for me but couldnt be with me because he didn't trust me. understandable. after that things started to get better for 2 weeks and we actually got back together for a day...then it all ended again. i think we went about 2 weeks without talking til i finally showed up at his house and made him talk to me. it was awkward but i wasnt expecting anything different. things ended up getting somewhat better to the point where we could hang out again. so things got better then he ended up getting a gf and i told him i was done and i walked out of his life. I cut commuinication with him. No calls nothing. He kept emailing me though trying to get me to respond to him but i didnt and it killed me to ignore the person i love. his gf apparently cheated on him and he wanted to talk to me cause he knew i cared but i didnt answer and it broke me. even though he didnt want me around i know he needed me and i hate myself for not being there for him.

Brian got off his misson on the 18th. He's still in Ogden right now with his family but he pretty much hates me and i have no idea why. He wont tell me oreven talk to me about anything. Bob calls me almost every day to let me know how things are going. He said that Brian needed to talk to me about things and not believe anything till he hears it from me. Bob said that he is being so brainwashed by his mother and hes listening to everything she says. I hate it! whatever ill get over it. i just hate losing friends

on a better note....my brother, sister n law and my new nephew came over yesterday. It was so awesome to get to see them and i finally got to see my little nephew, Roman! He's adorable!!! He was in such a good mood the whole day...smiling and being so calm. It was nice to catch up with them. I love when they come into town.

Isn't he adorable?? I think so. It just sucks cause they live in AZ so i don't see them too often. I'm so excited to be an aunt. But yeah, i guess for right now, i just have to sit back and wait. I guess there is no point in being upset about something i have no control over. Though its alot easier said than done..... It'll all get better in time..