tryin to get through

So..it's been a hard past couple days. I've been personally struggling with my own crap. It's true when they say the greatest battle is fought within the chambers of your own soul. I dont really know what to do or who to turn to. No one can really help me which sucks...not really anyone knows what im going through. Heck, i don't even think i know what i'm going through. Ever since confessing, i've felt a lot better about myself and i'm glad i told. the thing though trent isn't feeling better about it. he doesnt care about what he did and still wants to do it again. It's wierd that he can confess and still have the desire to do it again. idk. idk idk. his parents are really upset with both him and me and it sucks because it KILLS me! i work so hard to maintain a good relationship with them and i pretty much killed it. His mom is upset/disappointed with me and trent tells me today that she wrote me a letter. i about freaked. he said it's good...yea so what if it is...i still have to wait to get it and in that time i'm really nervous. she's still disappointed..i hate that! i would rather have someone be flat out mad at me then just that. trent said his dad acted upset that i didnt want to come around anymore. i thought about it...its not that i dont...im just ashamed to come back. idk. im glad trent is doing better..he talks to ppl about it....which im not sure i like but if it's helping him then it's all good. im grateful ppl are trying to help him and relate to what he's going through.. it kinda hurts that i cant be the one helping him it makes me think gosh if i cant help him now how am i gonna help him later?? blah. i just want things to go back to how they were before everything sucked. my brother tells me that i need to stop living for everyone else and start living for myself. he says that im always worried about everyone else and forget to work on myself. maybe that's true. but then again charity is what i love doing. i love caring for others and helping them through their problems cause then i focus less on mine. i just cant seem to be that selfish. idk maybe i should start putting myself first. ugh i need a vacation. haha

Randi Rochelle.