i wanna go home

well i thought things were going okay....then i started thinking about everything. Got some feelings like i needed to change some things in my life and help him with his problems. scratch that, he's never good enough for me. I ask way too much of him and the things i ask are completely unreasonable. Darn, i thought i was just trying to build him up to be what i know he's capable of. That's why he was sent here. Wasn't it??

Ugh, i need to stop getting in my own way. Goin` to the spirit rally tonight. Woo hoo! Not in much of a spirit mood. Least i can be a goof and act happy. Something i've found about myself, I am quite the actress. It's either really impressive, or people are just plain stupid. I'm going to guess a little bit of both..

maybe you can do better than me..... :[[

Yesterday was awesome!! me and my roommates went to Yellowstone. it was my first time there and yea, it was an experience. We stopped to see the Geysers first and they smelled horrible. haha. then we went to Old Faithful and watched it go off. We ate lunch at the Lodge there and after we left we were going to do a loop in the park but Karalyn drove the wrong way towards the south entrance and when we saw the sign we just laughed. We came across a few buffalo right on the road and we stopped to take pictures. Karalyn decided to put her head out the window and irritate the buffalo and he turned his head and started to charge the car. We all freaked out haha. When we left the park, we went to this little cafe and it sucked! the food was gross and the service was horrible. blahhh. enough said. we went to the playmill...we saw Oklahoma. The lord protected us because we still had a mission we had to accomplish in this life. He was aware of me. I felt his spirit so strong. THere was no way else anyone else could have survived that pretty much the whole way home we were crying and listening to church music. WHoma! It was awesome. Then on the way home it changed. Ashley was driving and we were all relaxing and trying to sleep until she screamed and we all looked up and saw a giant moose walking across the road. she grabbed the wheel and turned to miss the moose. since it was raining we hydroplaned and spun around 3 times before we finally stopped. I went on lockdown. i was paralyzed. i just kept thinking oh gosh please dont hit the guardrail please dont flip over. It was a miracle and i think everyone could feel the higher power protecting us. We caught our breath and drove to the side of the road. we all got out and by that time we were all crying. I kept thinking how it was possible that we survien we got home i called my mom and dad and the first time in a long time i was so grateful to hear their voice. I couldnt stop crying. My love and faith in the Lord was so intense at that moment. I couldnt even describe it, i had so many thoughts running through my head. I talked to Trent for awhile and i felt so bad because he was irritating me by asking me questions and i felt horrible for the way i treated him. i was just sad he couldnt be there to comfort me. I got a blessing from mark!! he's so awesome. i was so grateful that he was so in tune with the spirit to give me such a great blessing.

Today was crazy as well. We all got up for church knowing it was going to be a really soggy sunday. We talked to bishop when we got there and he told us that we all had something we needed to be thinking about during the sacrament. I sat there and started thinking..."its such a blessing the way things turned out the way they did last night. if i would have died last night i wouldnt have made it to the celestial kingdom. I would have stood in front of my father, unworthy and disgusting to him. :( My desires are there to be clean and pure in my thoughts and deeds but i cant seem to stop giving into temptation. I hate the feelings of guilt and uncleanliness as i see others more righteous that I. Ive made mistakes and repented of them only to make the same mistakes again. Why do i not learn and continue to keep messing up and hurting myself? I get so scared of confessing because of the shame i feel. All i see is mistakes. But i truly desire to be righteous and be rid of the sin. Lately, i've felt like ive just been coasting through life not really happy or sad. Yesterday was a big wake up call for me. I realize how precious life really is and how much i need to value it. I need to be the best i can be today so i stop living in the past and move on with my life..."

Truly each day is a gift from God.....

Randi Rochelle

tryin to get through

So..it's been a hard past couple days. I've been personally struggling with my own crap. It's true when they say the greatest battle is fought within the chambers of your own soul. I dont really know what to do or who to turn to. No one can really help me which sucks...not really anyone knows what im going through. Heck, i don't even think i know what i'm going through. Ever since confessing, i've felt a lot better about myself and i'm glad i told. the thing though trent isn't feeling better about it. he doesnt care about what he did and still wants to do it again. It's wierd that he can confess and still have the desire to do it again. idk. idk idk. his parents are really upset with both him and me and it sucks because it KILLS me! i work so hard to maintain a good relationship with them and i pretty much killed it. His mom is upset/disappointed with me and trent tells me today that she wrote me a letter. i about freaked. he said it's good...yea so what if it is...i still have to wait to get it and in that time i'm really nervous. she's still disappointed..i hate that! i would rather have someone be flat out mad at me then just that. trent said his dad acted upset that i didnt want to come around anymore. i thought about it...its not that i dont...im just ashamed to come back. idk. im glad trent is doing better..he talks to ppl about it....which im not sure i like but if it's helping him then it's all good. im grateful ppl are trying to help him and relate to what he's going through.. it kinda hurts that i cant be the one helping him it makes me think gosh if i cant help him now how am i gonna help him later?? blah. i just want things to go back to how they were before everything sucked. my brother tells me that i need to stop living for everyone else and start living for myself. he says that im always worried about everyone else and forget to work on myself. maybe that's true. but then again charity is what i love doing. i love caring for others and helping them through their problems cause then i focus less on mine. i just cant seem to be that selfish. idk maybe i should start putting myself first. ugh i need a vacation. haha

Randi Rochelle.

im only me whenever im with you...

So last night i had a freakY dream. My grandma was sitting at this table with other people but i couldn't make out their faces. (my grandma died 7 years ago). I walked up to her and i was like grandma look and i showed her a picture of this baby girl and she was like wow Randi she's beautiful I was like thanks grandma that's my niece. I woke up this morning and freaked out because i don't know who my niece is going to be. My brother is having a boy..so yeah. I havn't dreamed about my grandma since right after she passed away. FREAKY!

So today in my BOM class we talked about spiritual deprivation. My teacher said that its hard to have a celestial testimony when you live a terrestrial life in a telestial world. i really thought about that and how it applies in my life. Then he told us that 75% of LDS members go inactive for a year or so sometime throughout their life. It happens to most between the ages 14-20. People in our class told stories about how they went inactive for a few years or so and how they eventually came back because they werent happy and couldnt stand it anymore. It was a big testimony builder for me to hear that other people feel and think and go through the same things that i do. today was just great!! im in such a good mood. :D anyways, hope everyones day is awesome!!!

RANDI ROCHELLE. <3

i hate my pride...

So today i woke up in a blah mood. Probably cause i slept till 11. I started talking to Trent so i started feeling better and i got ready for church. I got on facebook and saw that he had gotten on my profile and i don't care that he does but it's like he's looking for something. I don't know. So he read one of my honesty box messages and i guess it upset him, idk. It makes me sad that people think I'm just using him. I love him very much and just because it doesn't say were dating on facebook doesn't mean my feelings change. It's quite sad..those people that base everything off facebook. Get a life. So yeah, then we kinda got in an argument about him being upset and not telling me about it and he thought i said i didn't love him anymore. Ugh, it's been a long morning. Were better now. I apologized and so did he. I just feel blah all the time and i hate it because i know why but i guess i just don't care or my pride gets the best of me, I'm not sure which, probably both. So i went to church this morning and as i was sitting in sacrament i felt the spirit and i knew that something was going to be said that i needed to hear today and that i needed to listen so i put my phone away and my bishop got up and started speaking.

I know when i wonder from the truth i know he is there beside me. Every time i try and walk alone think i can make it on my own and i fall when i begin, he's there to lift me up again. Even in the deepest darkest night, the hands hold the torch high. I was born to keep it burning bright, i was made to fly, i was made to shine. Child of light. I know i wont ever be alone and i wont bear my burdens on my own. Where there is fear, love will take control and lead me on. i was made to fly, i was meant to shine, child of light. Bishop said there were things we needed to do:

1.Repent- choose a different course and start today. don't wait, your only hurting yourself. When we do wrong, we feel bad so we remove ourselves from everyone and isolate ourselves. We live alone in our room and distance ourselves from our friends and people that care about us. Get a blessing, talk to your roommates because they love you and are your best friends. Live with those who love and care for you. Decide your going to do good. You feel bad because you know deep down, wickedness never was happiness.
2.Prayer- Find the light. Turn to him in prayer and let him know you are on course and intend to do the right things. He is only waiting for us to communicate with him and come unto him in prayer. He desires us to come home.
3. Service- Give back to others what they have done for you. Or just because you know its the love of Christ. Look to them and comfort them, give them your time and effort. Don't be selfish. Be someone else's hope. We've all been there when we need someone.
4. Work- Don't become idle. Do something get some work done. Do the things that your supposed to. Work is our blessing. Get proper sleep and health habits. Then when the time calls for it, study hard.
5. Read scriptures- every day and night. get a blessing and most importantly, BE ONE! Read your blessing in the time of need and pay attention to what it says. Fasting. Come with a prayerful heart and a willing mind. Choose your music carefully and most importantly...
6. ENDURE TO THE END- Press on and be noble. Set your goals and draw on the power from heaven. In the end, it will be okay and you'll be happy. If it's not okay and your not happy, it's not the end. Always remember to choose the savior. Because if you haven't chosen him when the time comes, it wont matter what you chose.

I took all those notes over my cell phone cause i forgot my journal. ha ha. I really miss Trent today...it's just one of those days i guess....tomorrow will be better. <3

Randi Rochelle.

back in the lou

So, since i last wrote nothing really has happend. I went home last week and it was great to see everyone again and to spend time with them. I got to see Trent and i was so excited. I missed him so much! My mom and Trent came with me to the movies to see Iron Man. Freakin` awesome movie. I hung out with Teresa a lot too. I love that girl, i swear were going to be friends forever. Trent, Teresa and I went to see Fool's Gold because she wanted to see and it Trent was being crabby with me because he said i was ignoring him by talking to her. I was kinda amused cause he was being stubborn so i wasnt going to touch him or anything. Halfway through the movie, he held my hand. lol about freakin` time. haha. On sat i went to get my hair done for his prom and i spent 2 hours in the chair. my butt was asleep. He came to pick me up...i love his suit. it just makes me smile. It's an extra excuse to touch him. ;) He looked so cute. :) I met his friends that night and i liked them. They were really nice. I met Brett and apparently i didnt know it. Trent was freakin` out thinkin` i was gonna do something to him. I had so much fun being with him. We danced and kissed a lot. ;) (and boy do i mean a lot). We left prom early cause we were both tired and we went back to his house. We started watching a movie, as always....we made in 15 mins into it before we started our thing, as always. I ended up spending the night. He drove me to the airport the next morning early. We almost died. lol. wow. ya. it was so hard to say goodbye again...i love him. :(

so yeah, since then nothing new has been going on. Just school. its whatev. I miss Trent. alot. i can't go another 2 months. ugh. until next time....

Randi Rochelle.

soo tired....

So, today was one of the busiest days of my life. I went to class this morning turned my stuff in and then went home to get some breakfast. I went back to class around 11:30 and its all good cause i love my BOM class. So i turned in my work and came home and got some lunch (yes, i eat alot) and did my math homework for today and the days that im going to miss this coming week. then at 2 i went to devo! it was awesome as usual. i came home from that and did more spanish homework then i went to take my test for math. Hopefully i did well...it was pretty easy but knowing my luck, haha. I filled out my fafsa today and i got that all squared away. I'm actually on top my game this time. then i came home and took a nap. American idol starts in 15 mins and i still need to do laundry, pack and go see Bishop for my new temple recommend!!! YAY! i'm so excited. I cant wait to go home. i miss my mom. My roommate, Maia told me that she's going to miss me while i'm gone cause she hates sleeping alone. Ha ha. Crazy Bulgarians. : ) Anyways, i guess im off to get something to eat and see who's getting voted off tonight. Chao for now!